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22nd May 2013

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Is there anyone who gives a shit at all? I mean…today I woke up with the most worthless and hopeless feeling. The woman who raised me put me down at every single chance she could last night…and acts as if she’s better than me…looking down her nose. She makes jokes about me being fat…tries to tell me I am a bad parent….nearly SLAPPED me when she was waving her hand in my face telling me to shut up because she didn’t like that I was standing up for myself and speaking my mind.

I just fucking hate myself. Why the fuck is my best never fucking good enough. I didn’t have the greatest childhood. Yes, I had a lot of materialistic things…but my mentality and emotional state took hits from every side and still do and I am now a fucked up individual. I am clinically depressed…I suffer from PTSD thanks to an ex, I have anxiety and panic attacks, I fought and overcame anorexia and drug addictions to now be at the point that I am fighting obesity. I moved out at 17 to get away from the emotional and mental turmoil I went through only to walk into more along with physical. I got away from that and got married just after turning 20. I got pregnant just after 21 and became a mom just before 22. I didn’t finish college before a baby, so I am working my ass off now to finish….my daughter is 5 and about to start kindergarten in the fall. I don’t have much money….and we don’t have alot of new things. We can’t just got out and buy whatever we want when we want, but we get by. But that is still never good enough.

My grandmother, she judges me all the time. Part of it is her age and dementia. Part of it is that she is a mean woman. She didn’t used to be like this. She was so sweet when I was growing up. But now that my daughter is around…no one is supposed to say anything “harsh” or negative to Chloe or about Chloe. My grandmother even said “Chloe doesn’t need glasses, she just needs her bangs cut!” Um, the doctor wouldn’t give her glasses if she didn’t need them fucktard!

Then the woman who raised me, my aunt…she just decided to take jabs all through the night. She already has a piss poor attitude but last night it was worse than I’ve seen in a while.

We celebrated Chloe’s preschool graduation with a cookout at her house. I call her mom. I only asked a couple of things from her (she made slaw), my “dad” and I did much of the other stuff along with my mother in law.

During the graduation ceremony I giggled about things in the program…I kept getting dirty looks from mom. I kept thinking “what bitch?”

When we got to the house she was huffy about me being the last to get back to the house from the school. Well ex-fucking-scude the hell out of me for having to get Chloe’s things together and fight the traffic out!

Then as I’m making Chloe’s plate, I’m picking with her about being a little piggy and mom turns to make fat jokes to me and my husband. Let me just say this….she’s 5 foot if she’s lucky and quite round….so she can stfu!

Later, Chloe’s opening her gifts. My hubby and I got her a game for kinect where she could play with fantasy pets…like dragons and unicorns. I then heard her say “dragons?!? She’s a girl!!!” I said “girls can play with dragons too!”

After that my biological mom and I were talking about my nephews bday party and I made a joke about my bro in law being short and my “mom” got in my face about that. Telling me not to make the joke because he’s fed up. Well I said “that’s between me and him. He makes jokes I’m tired of too so I guess we’re even, huh? Now if you don’t mind just stopping with the attitude!”

After that, we were in the driveway watching Chloe play with her soccer ball in the yard. Chloe was wearing a dress which is rare because she doesn’t normally CHOOSE to wear dresses. She’s standing talking to my mother in law and makes a remark about wanting to see Chloe in more dresses. I said “well I’m not a dressy kinda girl and its rubbed off on her. She doesn’t wanna wear dresses. I will ask her and she says no! I am not going to force it on her!” Mom then says “you only ever put her in pants, that’s why she doesn’t like dresses! She’s a little girl. Girls are supposed to wear dresses. Boys are supposed to wear pants.” I said “I WILL NOT be the parent that says oh you’re a girl you can’t do that because that’s for boys or vice versa. I absolutely will not! When Chloe tells me she doesn’t want a dress or doesn’t like a dress I will not force it on her!” She is at this point rolling her eyes and telling me to shut up over and over again. She is also waving her arm in my face like a raging lunatic. Nearly slapping me. I told her calmly to back up and keep her hand out of my face. Just a few minutes later she says to me “Chloe’s underwear are riding up giving her wedgies” so, me still being upset (to the point I CRUSHED a drink tin in my hand) I said “they’re some of those hello kitty ones you bought her. I buy her the “wedgie free ones” but hey, what do I know I’m just her MOTHER” as I walk off to go across the street to my car. She then utters something along the lines of “I just wanna slap her” to my mother in law.

Are you serious?!?!? I am just so sick of it.

Oh lemme say this, when I was little I remember wearing more pants than dresses. I played with dolls and trucks. I was a tomboy. My daughter is a minime! My nephew who is only 3 years younger, he played with more girly toys than I did. No one ever put a stop to it. Of course, he also held a shotgun to me and threatened me as a child…but no fucking body believed me because he could do no wrong.

So yeah….my fucking best is never good enough. I can’t do anything right or to anyone’s satisfaction. I am obviously a horrible mother and person…and I should probably just lock myself away.

I really need someone to make me feel better….to tell me something positive…because all I hear is negative…and I woke up with the worst feelings and I can’t shake them. I need help.

Tagged: depresseddepresssionventingworthlesshopelessabusemy lifeparentingemotionsdo you care?care